my story
Welcome to my world! I am grateful for your curiosity! Even if we don’t work together I hope my story gives you the courage and strength to reconnect to yourself, empower and heal yourself. You are worth it!
A little about me…I was born in Point Pleasant, New Jersey. I’m the oldest of four kids. My father has been my rock my entire life and my mother all my lessons. I share my story not from a place of sorrow or blame but from a place of self empowerment, strength and love. Like most of us, my journey to present time has been a roller coaster. Until recently I have lived in survival mode. I was unaware I had closed my heart, unaware of all the trauma I was carrying that was dictating my thoughts, reactions and choices.
the moments that shape us
When I was just two my mother became engrossed in a cult, something that would forever change the rest of my life. The fear of God was deeply engraved in me. I was stripped of any ability to check in with myself; being taught I am on earth to be Gods slave and my own wants or not wants didn’t matter. My voice was taken away from me, really never even given to me. I did not have a choice in any part of my life. And I was terrified God was going to kill me for sinning; the list of sins was endless. My mom believed in “the rod of discipline” she had a big oak piece of wood we got beat with. She wrote on it “don’t provoke the oak” when teachers started noticing bruises she changed to plastic hangers because they broke over skin and didn’t bruise as bad. My childhood consisted of extreme fear and control, verbal and physical abuse, isolation from anyone not in the cult and with no understanding or guidance of how basic society and life worked.
escaping the past
When I was sixteen I told my mom I was leaving the cult. With the support of my father (who was trying his best to keep me and my three younger siblings safe) and few friends, I did it. You don’t just get to leave this cult – I had to sit in a room with ten “elders” in suits all telling me how I was sinning and what God and the other cult members would do to me for leaving. They shamed me and added more fear into my already fear frozen mind. They would visit my work, leave pamphlets on my car, anything to remind me they were watching. This is also when the abuse from my mother became worse. To her I was Satan, the devil. I had to leave my home for my physical safety and was forbidden to see or talk to my siblings. I was seventeen, scared out of my mind, angry as fuck and had no idea how to navigate in the world I was sheltered from till then. The only person I had was my father. But he was also being abused by her, she blamed me leaving on him. He never joined the cult and is the reason we are all safe presently. He had three other children to protect. He did his very best but it was a very dark time in all our lives.
For years I struggled learning how to live – really survive. Basic lessons I had missed learning during childhood and adolescence happened later. On top of the impressions left from such a traumatic religious upbringing. I was kept away from my siblings, my mom brainwashing them to believe I was Satan. I was so worried about them. And the things she did to my father were insane. I was afraid he would end up in jail on false charges or killed.
But again I share my story not from a place of sorrow or blame but from a place of self empowerment, strength and love.
Those hard, traumatic parts of my story made me who I am today. They are what give me the compassion and understanding to do the work I do. They have taught me to not judge anyone because we never know what they are going through. That control and fear have no place in my life. They have taught me boundaries, self worth, my personal power and how strong and courageous I really am. They have taught me that compassion is the dissolver of all obstacles.
the path to now
Presently I have a good relationship with my mother. Not because she changed but because I did. In healing myself I let go of the anger and resentment I had towards her. I learned boundaries and how to set them with grace and peace. I am able to see her with compassion and empathy because I understand why she makes the choices she does. My biggest lessons which I turned into growth come from her, for this I am grateful. I have forgiven her. I love her.
What about the work I do? It truly is a gift. I am so grateful for the path I am on.
When I was twenty six I opened a massage office in my home town. I went to school for massage when I was eighteen and had been practicing since. Within a few years I had the “American dream” a successful business, employees, I was stepping away from massaging and instead training therapists and running the business. I was in the rat race and succeeding but knowing my heart and soul hated it. My dreams always brought me to a shack on the beach where I just enjoyed the simple life. I began researching, soon found Costa Rica and as they say – the rest is history. I have been living in a simple beach town, in an upgraded shack (lol) for almost twelve years.
Costa Rica has an interesting way of cracking you wide open or sending you packing. And man did I get cracked and cracked and cracked.
I became aware of how my childhood affected me and was still doing so. I began getting in touch with that little girl in me who held all that anger, fear and pain. I held her. Told her I’d protect, honor and love her. I allowed myself to feel her anger and pain turning that fear into love. I studied trauma and neuroscience. Realizing that inner healing has many layers but mainly feeling those repressed emotions which heals the stories connected and reprogramming our minds.
I began making choices that aligned with the life I have now and the one I want; not my past. I calmed the hurricane in my mind. The one loaded with fear, self doubt and judgment. I learned to trust my inner voice more than anything, especially my mind. I opened my heart.
And now I guide others to do the same. With my own life experience and wisdom from others.
breathwork and beyond
Breathwork was one of the first tools that really cracked me open. I became a Holotropic/Grof Breathwork Facilitator. At the same time I studied under the man that taught me so much of what I used to heal myself; Gabor Mate. His therapeutic approach to trauma, called Compassionate Inquiry, is absolute gold in inner healing. Particularly in understanding how trauma affects the mind. Plant medicine was another powerful tool that cracked me open. I trained in Psychedelic Assisted Therapy with Numinus. To expand my knowledge of neuroscience I studied under my favorite psychedelic neuroscientist; Manesh Girn. I have taken many smaller studies along the way, listed in my Education tab, but these here created the work I do presently.
The person I am today and the life I have is why I can say with every part of me I am truly grateful for every part of my life. Even the darkest and hardest parts have given me compassion and understanding to show up the way I do. Without them I wouldn’t be who I am today.
People who meet and work with me often share how safe they feel with me. That when they were going through their darkest parts they remembered I was there, my words and felt safe to go towards the darkness to heal their own inner child.
My work is one of the most deep, messy, vulnerable, uncomfortable things we do as humans yet it is also the most profound, sacred, magical, powerful things we do as humans.
If there is one thing I can promise you it is how much it is worth it. This life can be so fucking beautiful. YOU are worth it.
The little girl in me feels so safe within me. She is at peace. She knows I will protect her. She knows I will honor her. She knows I love her. And yours can too.
With Love,
Jill